The Icing on the Cake

some thoughts on marriage, dating, and relationships

Hi, everyone, and welcome back. If you read yesterday’s post, then you know about the kiddush I sponsored on Shabbos. As I mentioned, it was in honor of my Uncle Morris’ yahrzeit and in gratitude for my eldest son’s sobriety, but that doesn’t cover everything. I wanted to include my other children, too, so I also acknowledged my middle son’s recent recovery from Covid and my youngest son’s birthday. But grateful as I am for all those things, I’ve left out what is arguably the most important. I received my Jewish divorce last Thursday.

I came up with the plan for the kiddush before the bais din/rabbinic court scheduled the divorce, but since the events coincided, it was only right to include it. I was surprised at how happy I was to hear the words, “muttar lach,” which gave me my freedom. At the same time, I felt terribly sorry for Motcha. It hurt him to say those words, but he was an absolute mentsch about it. There are some real horror stories about recalcitrant husbands out there. May Hashem bless Mordechai ben Frimmet Henya. He wasn’t one of them.

I’m sure some of you are wondering what took us so long. We’ve been living separately for over three years. Please know that it wasn’t Motcha’s fault. The delay was because of me. I just kept dragging my feet. As my youngest son put it, I liked the semi-single state. I wasn’t living with my husband, which meant I could live on my own terms, but I was still married, so I was off-limits to all other men. Dating was a net negative experience for me, both in the secular and frum phases of my life. It was convenient to have an excuse not to return to it.

So what changed? Why am I suddenly ready to try again? The answer is kind of ironic. Since I’m no longer afraid of being alone, I’m able to be more selective. I’m going into this with my head on straight. That’s quite a contrast to when I was younger. Back then, I was so insecure about being left on the shelf, I said yes even when the red flags were flapping in my face. But now that I’m older and wiser, I no longer need romance to validate me. And though rejection might hurt, it won’t devastate me. That’s the irony. Now that I can be content staying single, I’m finally ready for a healthy relationship.

To phrase it another way, I’ll borrow a metaphor I heard on Victoria Albina’s podcast, “Feminist Wellness.” She said that relationships are the icing on the cake of our lives. They make it sweeter and more colorful. But in order for your romantic partner to be the icing, you have to be the cake. You have to be the foundation - able to stand on your own. So no more half-baked relationships for me.

May Hashem help you all to be the cake and enjoy the icing in your lives. And may He protect Israel and bless the world with true peace.